Many of us should have the experience of engaging in an argument with somebody you know. Be it your family members or your partner, it should not be a very rewarding experience for most of us. However, the strange thing is sometimes, after your argument, you are suddenly hit with a wave of regret. You start questionning yourself whether its necessary to engage in the argument and caused misery to other party and yourself for a trival matter. In fact, many a times after I argue with my girlfriend, I often thought to myself whether its necessary to do so. For example, just exactly last year, I had this argument which actually originate from a "thought". Initially, my girlfriend and I had very little time together. As she was currently studying her degree in SIM, her time were taken up by studies and projects. As a result, we can only meet once every month. This went on for a year or so until one day frustration started to build up inside me much like a lava building up in a volcano. I began thinking about how my girlfriend was being selfish for not spending time with me. It went on to the point that I began blaming her for choosing to go out with her classmates after school (which is once in a while) rather than spending her time with me. As the process continued, I started to see her in a very negative light. Selfish, insensitive, uncaring and many other negative labels are being placed on her in my mind. Finally, I was unable to control myself and decided to confront her by giving her a call. The conversation started quite neutrally by as it progresses, the words that describe the labels I stick on her in my mind flew out like arrows. It drew an immediate response from her; "yes I am selfish, I am trying my best already. If you are still not satisfied, theres nothing I can do." The phonecall ended with her sobbing voice trailing off the receiver.....
Now, as I look back, I sometimes thought to myself; "why did I do such a thing like this in the past?" After reading the
self-fulfilling prophecy from the "social psychology alive", I began to see my answer. The reason why I felt frustrated is due to a thought that my girlfriend and I are not spending enough time together. As I ruminate in the thought, my anger grows and I began to see her in the wrong. (perhaps this happen because I wanted to protect my self-esteem). I began to search my memories for any events that support my thinking and as this "evidence" increases, my frustrations grew until I finally can't control myself and contacted my girlfriend. During the conversation, I blasted her with all the "evidence" I can come out of and likewise, she defended herself with reasons which at that time, it seem to further support what I initally labelled her as; selfish, uncaring, insensitive.....She reacted just like what I expected.
Luckily, both of us managed to reconcile and we had thought of ways to solve all these underlying issues. It seemed that if I perceive my girlfriend more positively at that point of time, the issue may not have been so ugly. Perhaps if all of us perceive the world more positively, it may have been a better place.
The End
Louis Tan
5 comments:
yea, as shown in the confirmation bias, people often look for evidence to support their own stand without considering other possible explanations...
from the self-fulfilling prophecy, it seems that your unexpressed feelings might also have influenced your girlfriend to act in the way you expected her to. many times, when i find that i want to avoid a quarrel with someone, i kept my negative feelings hidden. although i try hard to keep my behaviours and tone of voice neutral, the hidden feelings make me uncomfortable and i guess that the other party can sense it and react subconsciously to subtle changes.
it could also be difficult to disprove others' negative notions as they might not take it seriously or react with sacarstic remarks.
i personally find that it helps to voice any disconetentment early when it happens and to ask the other party what he feels or think about what is happening (in a tactful way, of course!) rather than let the evidence grow =)
p.s. we could exchange tips on better communication =p
hi bro, i can relate to what he just shared. Yes, in a lot of situation, if you were to cast judgments or labels before understanding from other person's perspective, situations will be quite messy. In fact, if we continue to view people in good light ( the fact is there is good in everyone), and give people the benefit of a doubt, a win win situation can normally arise :)
all the way bro.
cheng tsuang chih
Arguements start by slowly building negative thoughts of a person and not by positive thoughts. We only fuel the thought more when we try to recall more evilish evidence...
Thus, ultimately, self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when one refuses to see in another point of view.
There is always 2 side of a coin. Depending on which side we actually stand, our view point will be different, and thus a in-group and out-group schema will be form. When other view differ from us, we usually will think of "counterattack", and mostly it will be negative arguments. As the thought build up, self-fulfilling prophecy was arise. However, it's rather hard to accept other view point when we already had a firm belief, especially when the approach was a hard one. Maybe we can try soft approach when we wan to bring our view across to other in the future.
Hmmm louis...if u were a constant drinker then I could have attributed your behavior to alcohol myopia…lol.. But as that is not applicable to you...I shall examine other areas...absence makes the heart fonder...a cliché all of us know...I am not really sure at what level your love is at but I believe that you share a companionate love with her which explains why you longed to see her and your frustration turned into hostile aggression…Andre’
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