The extreme of Self-esteem (Narcissism)

I believed that many of you will have encountered people who has such a high self-esteem that they actually make those around them feel frustrated. Sometimes, you just wished to tell them that they are wrong and yet fearful of the retorts given by them. For guys who have been to National Service, I believe its all the more frustrating if that particular person is your superior. I believed that many of you will have encountered people who has such a high self-esteem that they actually make those around them feel frustrated. Sometimes, you just wished to tell them that they are wrong and yet fearful of the retorts given by them. For guys who have been to National Service, I believe its all the more frustrating if that particular person is your superior. That’s because you can't "fire" back at him as you can be charged for insubordination and spend some days scraping metal at the Detention Barrack at Kranji Camp. Neither can you hand in resignation letter because you have to serve out your NS days for 2 years.

During my NS days, I have the luck to be under one of this kind of people. With such coincidence, my good friend Justin Loo (Yes, the one studying in JCUS psychology class) also have encountered this person. Unfortunately, he is a Major during our NS days and we have to do his bidding. For confidential reasons, I can't release his name so I will call him Ah G.

According to our social psychology textbook, people with high self-esteem do not listen much to criticism. If Ah G is a salesperson, I believe he can become a record holder not for high sales turnover but for pissing people off. This Ah G have the tendency to retort any criticisms aimed at him by "I am your OC (Officer in Charge)" no matter whether he is right or wrong. If you push your values a bit further, he will counter with a threat; "I will charge you". Like the theories of Narcissism written in our textbook, narcissist people have no connections to reality and tend to be arrogant and boastful. This Ah G once argued with a lance corporal with a durian (Our camp has many durian trees). Can you imagine that? Unfortunately for him, this lance corporal is somewhat an "Ah Beng". The conversation goes like this;

Ah G: Oi! Ah Seng, where you get this durian from? Huh, why you never go do your work and go and pick durian?
Ah Seng: (apparent angry for being scolded for nothing) No what, the durian fell in front of my storehouse. So I take lah.
Ah G: Ah, is it? You later take the durian to my office ok? Go and do your job now and don't speak to me like that. I am your OC!
Ah Seng: (Pissed off) ok.

Later Ah Seng ate the durian at some secluded spot and returned to administration office thinking that the OC will forget about the incident. Much to his dismay, Ah G is there and the "battle of the durian" begins...

Ah G: Ah Seng! Where is the durian? I thought I ask you to bring to my office?
Ah Seng: (A bit in shock) I throw away already.
Ah G: What throw away? I ask you to bring here and you throw away? I am your OC ok. Why you don't listen to my order?
Ah Seng: (Very angry now) You OC, OC lah. If you are a good OC, people respect you. If you are a bad OC, nobody listen to you. (Aiming at Ah G)
Ah G: You funny people. I will charge you!!!
Ah Seng: Charge, charge lah. I will tell everybody about what you did in the depot. (Perhaps he is referring to the durian incident or maybe other unknown matters which cannot be told.)

At this point, Ah G ask everybody to leave the room while he had a private talk with Ah Seng. In the end, Ah seng never got charged and continue to live his days as a "Targetted" person in his NS days. (however, it seem that Ah G could not do anything to him because Ah Seng is a person who could not care less about anything).

Ah G like to go into depot on the pretext of checking things out. However, he always like to pull somebody like me because I am in Maintenance department (To maintain everything in good condition and ask contractors to repair damaged structures) with him. When he does, I will have to simply follow him and listen to all his nonsense of why this grass and trees grow so tall. Why this forested place got dog shit. Its a natural phenomenon that grass and trees grow right? As our area is in the midst of wild forest, surely dogs can sneak in and shit in the area right? After Ah G shiok already and finish his speech, he will go back to office and probably take a General purpose (GP) car and go into the depot to "patrol".

Every morning, he will like to hold a meeting on the pretext of organising the days' job. However, during the meeting, the conversation is 95% dominated by him. All other officers just sit there and listen. Its not surprising to see many heads drooping down (catching a nap) while this Ah G happily tell about his adventure and exploits. Although this Ah G do not have a great physique, he always like to act "garang" by changing into a tight singlet together with all available jogging equipment you can think of and announce in front of everybody that he is going jogging. However the distance he ran is always averaging 1km or less.

Perhaps his narcissism behaviours ( to act like he is very fit when in evident he is not) can be summed up with the conversation between 2 NSF; Jeremy and Mr K using the radio set….

Jeremy: Eh, Mr K, I heard OC coming into the depot.
Mr K: Ya lah. This OC f…ing C… B.. lazy. Don’t like to walk. Come to Depot also must take GP car. Still act tough some more.
Jeremy: Ya. Don’t know how he gets his Major rank.
Mr K: Ya. This OC “Bai Kar Bai chiu”. (Hokkien version of describing a person who has broke his arms and legs) Excuse range (Firing exercises), excuse IPPT and excuse SOC (Standard Obstacle Course) but still can be OC.

At this point, OC intervened
Ah G: You all ah don’t anyhow scold vulgar language over the communication set.

Apparently the two NSF forget to tune the radio set to private channel and so its heard by the whole depot. Everybody was laughing at how true the two NSF has described Ah G. In the end, nothing was taken against the 2 NSF.

In summary, Ah G’s behaviour seems to conform to the theories of narcissism. He is boastful, arrogant and hostile to any criticisms. He may sometimes lose connection with reality (durian incident). However, the important lesson is about the effects of the narcissism behaviour. Those behaviours make people frustrated and thereby reduce the possibility of constructing a friendship. In academic setting, we often engage in group works. Therefore, if one group member displayed such behaviours, it may severely affect the group dynamics and led to poorer performance.

In conclusion, it may be to our benefits if we exercise humility in our social engagements and let other people find out the strength in us through hard works rather than we tell them. (This may cause us to be perceived as boastful by other people)

The End

Louis Tan

Argument (Self-fulfilling prophecy)

Many of us should have the experience of engaging in an argument with somebody you know. Be it your family members or your partner, it should not be a very rewarding experience for most of us. However, the strange thing is sometimes, after your argument, you are suddenly hit with a wave of regret. You start questionning yourself whether its necessary to engage in the argument and caused misery to other party and yourself for a trival matter. In fact, many a times after I argue with my girlfriend, I often thought to myself whether its necessary to do so. For example, just exactly last year, I had this argument which actually originate from a "thought". Initially, my girlfriend and I had very little time together. As she was currently studying her degree in SIM, her time were taken up by studies and projects. As a result, we can only meet once every month. This went on for a year or so until one day frustration started to build up inside me much like a lava building up in a volcano. I began thinking about how my girlfriend was being selfish for not spending time with me. It went on to the point that I began blaming her for choosing to go out with her classmates after school (which is once in a while) rather than spending her time with me. As the process continued, I started to see her in a very negative light. Selfish, insensitive, uncaring and many other negative labels are being placed on her in my mind. Finally, I was unable to control myself and decided to confront her by giving her a call. The conversation started quite neutrally by as it progresses, the words that describe the labels I stick on her in my mind flew out like arrows. It drew an immediate response from her; "yes I am selfish, I am trying my best already. If you are still not satisfied, theres nothing I can do." The phonecall ended with her sobbing voice trailing off the receiver.....
Now, as I look back, I sometimes thought to myself; "why did I do such a thing like this in the past?" After reading the self-fulfilling prophecy from the "social psychology alive", I began to see my answer. The reason why I felt frustrated is due to a thought that my girlfriend and I are not spending enough time together. As I ruminate in the thought, my anger grows and I began to see her in the wrong. (perhaps this happen because I wanted to protect my self-esteem). I began to search my memories for any events that support my thinking and as this "evidence" increases, my frustrations grew until I finally can't control myself and contacted my girlfriend. During the conversation, I blasted her with all the "evidence" I can come out of and likewise, she defended herself with reasons which at that time, it seem to further support what I initally labelled her as; selfish, uncaring, insensitive.....She reacted just like what I expected.
Luckily, both of us managed to reconcile and we had thought of ways to solve all these underlying issues. It seemed that if I perceive my girlfriend more positively at that point of time, the issue may not have been so ugly. Perhaps if all of us perceive the world more positively, it may have been a better place.

The End

Louis Tan

Inoculation theory

These days, deception has taken a new face in Singapore history. From the past where conmen sell fake jewelleries or “magic” stones to the old folks to the current time where ignorant Singaporeans are deceived into transferring money to unknown account in China for a prize or a threat, it sometimes make me wonder as to how these guys actually managed to bluff their way through. This is especially so in the current times where conmen are able to trick people into filling unknown bank account in China with their hard earned money. The victims are often educated and supposedly “smart” adults which in theory should be able to see through the scam. To seek the answer for the above question may be important. However, I believe its more important right now to actually devise ways to prevent further Singaporeans from being conned of their money.

According to the textbook (Social Psychology Alive), Inoculation theory state that resistance to undesired persuasion can be built up by exposing people to arguments against their attitude position and giving them the counter arguments to refute the attacks (refutational defense). Therefore, inferring from the theory, if we are able to expose Singaporeans to conversations and arguments that these conmen use while giving counterarguments, we should be able to stop these conmen in their tracks. As a matter of fact, this technique is being employed to a certain degree after the conmen’s act was exposed. Newspapers and evening news broadcast information about the crime and advises from police and enforcement authorities advise public on dealing with these calls. However, even after the news was broadcasted, new victims kept on appearing. Does that mean that the Inoculation theory does not work? That’s difficult to say. This is because although there are new victims, there seem to be a steady decrease in the number of victims. So is there a better solution to the problem? It remains to be seen and discovered. However, what this experience show to me is that the world is never a safe place to be in and if you drop your guard, all it take is one incident and you may start to regret for the rest of your life.

Louis Tan

The End

Want your boyfriend to buy you the diamond ring or dress that you are dreaming about in your sleep?

Many of us may have the experience of wanting our parents to buy a toy or something for us. Putting forward the request at the right time and you will be able to get the things you want. (80% of the time if you estimate optimistically) However, putting the request at the wrong time and you may be rewarded with a " Why you waste so much money" type of criticism. So, in order to be able to "persuade" our parents to buy the things we want, we may either make a scene or we can choose the "right" time where we make our request. So how do we define the "right" time? When our parents are talking happily? When they won a lottery (not much possibility) or when they get a promotion? All these boil down to just one thing; Mood. It seem that when a person is in good mood, he/she will be more likely to acced to request. But why? "Social Psychology Alive" have offered a good explanation.
According to the book, a theory by the name of mood-congruent recall theorise that positive feelings or mood will tend to activate positive memories while negative mood will activate negative memories. Perhaps when our parents are in good mood, they tend to remember the times we smiled and laughed happily when they bought us the things we wanted in the past. Therefore this memories helped to persuade them to acceed to our request. Furthermore, the book also mention that positive mood may reduce the tendency to require detail information for agreement. This may be able to explain why our parents may have simpily bought us the toys we wanted in our childhood days without a 2nd thought when we ask them in the "right" time.
In conclusion, the next time you want your spouse to buy you a diamond necklace or a gold bracelet that may burn a hole in their wallet, throw them a few vodka to relax and put forward the request when the time is right!!!

Louis Tan

Survival in Nazi concentration camp.

The year is 1945. The Allied troops had smashed through German defence lines and are liberating Eastern Europe in their final push into Hitler's fortress. As the Allied troops advanced, they found scores of Nazi concentration camps where Jews and some minority groups are imprisoned, tortured and killed. Although many of those inmates had died, many others survived to bear witness as one of the biggest human tragedy in history. Through the survivors, we are able to understand the hardships they went through.

Lack of basic necessities like food, water and shelter are just one of the obstacles these occupants of the concentration camp had to go through. Above all, they had to suffer from the constant abuse by their German captors. Beatings, kickings, hard labours and even raping in broad daylight was the norm in the concentration camps. On hindshight, we know that many millions of people have died. yet, there are those who survived to tell their part of the story in the camps which led me to consider this question; why are these people able to survive in such harsh conditions?

Recent documentary film shown by Discovery channel protraying the life in Nazi camp brought out a very important factor. One of the ex prisoner named John (not his real name) was interviewed and has mentioned the following;

Many people came in the 1st few days are able to endure the abuse. However, as time goes by, they get weaker and weaker. I was lucky to have a group of friends who look after me. We formed somewhat like a close knitted group and will look out for each other. We kept encouraging each other not to give up and prayed for an Allied victory. We firmly believed that though the devils (Germans) can imprison our body, they can't lock our spirits and God will one day rescue us from this awful place. However, there are others who simpily give up and just waited for death. Nearing the end of war, our whole camp was swept by an epidemic. I was one of those prisoners being taken to a room to be left to die. Separated from my friends. I knew I had to depend on my own. Seeing the prisoners around me lying on the ground jerking and foaming until they become motionless, I decided that I am not going to die so easily. Thats what the Germans wanted to see and I am not going to let them have their way. I wanted to survive for the sake of my family and to bear testament to the brutalities they have done.

Now, looking at this dialogue, you can see that this ex-prisoner seem very optimistic about his fate. Given the conditions at that time, you will have expect the people to simpily give up. As mentioned in "Principles of Learning and Behaviour" animals or humans who find themselves in a condition where they can't do anything about their fate may fall into a state of learned helplessness which is evident in many prisoners of the concentration camp. However, this prisoner did not conform to this theory. Why? Hatred for the German captors that propel him to survive? The yearning to see his family? The belief in God?

We may never know the correct answer. However, what we do know is this person is very optimistic about his future. Viewed in other people's view who are suffering from the same fate, he may be viewed as being too optimistic or unrealistic. "Social Psychology Alive" mentioned that we tend to be have unrealistic optimistic views about our future because;

1. We want our future to be rosy but since we are threatened with possibility of negative events, we tend to see optimistically that life has something good in store for us.

2. We believe we are good people and deserve goog things

3. We are not aware of the risk reducing features other people have.

According to "Social Psychology Alive", although being overly optimistic may prevent us from making good and accurate judgements about ourselves, it can also help us in preventing the formation of negative emotions like depression and sadness. In a way, this could have helped the John to survive because according to "Health Psychology BioPsychoSocial model" negative emotions tend to take a toll on health by compromising the immune system and encourage the formation of plaque leading to high blood pressures and other cardiac complications. At the same time, the negative emotions may push the person into a state of learned helplessness that lead to the person adopting less healthy behaviours. Therefore, John's optimism may give him an edge in his quest to survive by keeping his body healthy for as much as possible and more importantly, through illusion of control. (The tendency to overestimate our control of situations and events) John perceive that he can gain control of the situation and entice him to adopt survival measures to strengthen his control.

Lastly, according to Albert Bandura ( mentioned in Social Psychology Alive), feelings of self efficacy are important determinants of whether people can achieve their goals. This is because self-efficacy is the belief that we are capable of performing a particular behaviour required for a certain goal. Perhaps the optimism John had may have strengthened his belief that he could tide through this trying time and therefore preventing John from giving in to the situation.

The motto from Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon organiser is You can achieve if you believe. So is it that if we are able to believe more in ourselves, we may truly be able to succeed in whatever we are doing? If that is so, perhaps like a lot martial art practictioners preached: "The worst opponent is yourself", the biggest obstacles in our life that prevent us from succeeding in life is ourelves or more specifically, the amount of trust in ourselves we have.

Louis Tan

The End